LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”