if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
You Might Also Like
Just got to our Airbnb!
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”