him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I came this close!!!!
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
tell em, edith-anne
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?