Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
what are they serving at kfc then???
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
The struggle is real
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE