ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
buying dead houseplants to save time
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.