My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
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I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
it’s the silliest best thing
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
saving face 👀
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.