Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
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After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I love twitter
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year