ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
That lamp looks PISSED.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I pray every night that I never become religious…