He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
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[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
A bold strategy
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.