My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
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When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Chemical wingman
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.