I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
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Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
My wedding will be open casket.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
❤️🦆
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”