INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
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Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it