Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs