I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
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[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.