Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
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I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Mummies are just super modest zombies
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.