I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
You Might Also Like
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.