Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn