Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
who will stop them