*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
How high do the levels go?