[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You Might Also Like
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I saw this ending much differently.
#SuperBowl
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!