sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.