date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.