bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
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i’m laughing very hard in real life
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?