I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.