Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
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My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Hard not to take this personally
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
lmao
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.