It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it