My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
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Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Bond. Trauma bond.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]