Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat