This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
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I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*