If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
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Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
fixed it
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes