Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.