i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
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Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
He’s cranky this morning
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m not wrong
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.