[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
You Might Also Like
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.