I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.