I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
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Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?