friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel