Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?