My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
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I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF