I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Nose
nice challenge
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer