Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.