I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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What a year we’ve had this week.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b