If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
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If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.