Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I didn’t realize that was an option
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I hope Alan is OK
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Come back with a warrant
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids