“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
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Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Pretty much. 🤣
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice