*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
This is a true ally.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Friday