I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
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[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬