I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
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[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.