The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
You Might Also Like
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 馃槝
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 馃槈
Them: …many, many laws.
Don鈥檛 be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She鈥檚 clearly ready for adulthood
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let鈥檚 go with that.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it鈥檚 just you breathing normally.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
He wanted to make sure馃槀
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.