Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
fixed it
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I have a type: disappointing
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew