If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
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If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Sharon, call the vet
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
*mops up wine with cat*
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank